Adventures in Downsizing pt. IV: Date Night – Grandparent’s Edition
Originally published March 5, 2018.
Now that we have taken up residence in our old RV on my son and daughter’s mountain property we have a tradition of watching his and his wife’s young son Mason for a few hours at least once a week, so they can go on a date night or spend some quality solo-time together. We’ve done the same thing for all our children and 14 grand babies.
SEE OTHER ADVENTURES IN DOWNSIZING STORIES:
Adventures in Downsizing: Songs of the Mountain
Adventures in Downsizing pt. II: Full-time RV living at its finest or living in a tin-can nightmare?
Adventures in Downsizing pt. III: Why I cant own nice things and how our RV almost caught fire
Although most of their “dates” involve a few rifles, fishing rods, or hiking gear, they sometimes actually use their time alone to go on a “real” date.
Sometimes they make the hour drive into Redding to go on a double date with friends. Other times they just go into our nearest little mountain town, which actually has two fast-food and a few locally-operated restaurants, a one-screen movie theater – first run, none the less, a bowling alley, and…. annnnnnnnnnnnd… well, that’s about all our little town has, other than a VFW Hall and a few churches, but hey – it’s a mountain town! HAHA
As usual, we also had our two other mountain grand babies for the day and night while their daddy was away at work, but after raising all of ours, three really isn’t anything to us. Well, not too much… considering we don’t have nearly as much patience as we once had.
So, the love-birds were “getting ready” to head out when the following (very typical and often repeated) conversation ensues, played out in 3 acts.
But let me set the scene first:
Amber: Running around like a woman on a mission. She’s fixing her hair, doing her makeup, picking her clothes, finding her sexiest shoes, getting Mason changed and fed, making sure we will have everything Mason needs, setting out extra clothes for Mason, conducting a last-minute inventory and check list for Mason, checking on and switching the laundry, starting the truck to get it warmed up, loading up the truck for their date… etc.
I’m sure there were a few things I forgot, but ya’ll get the point.
Zack: Having just spent the day working around the homestead – including chopping wood and cleaning out the 50’s-era carriage house, welding a new catalytic converter onto “Project: Brush-Rig Samurai,” and tearing apart, cleaning and rebuilding two of our ATV carburetors… he is now sitting on the couch, lazily scratching his man-parts, and playing Call of Duty on XBox 360.
Act 1
4 p.m.
A: Honey, are you going to start getting ready to go? We’re already running late.
Z: Yeah, Lover. I’m ready. I’ve been here sitting here waiting on you.
A: Wellllll… were you going to change your clothes?
Z: <Looks at his filthy dirt, mud and oil covered Levi’s, well-worn (as in has holes) flannel shirt and grease and gasoline-stained thermal undershirt> I live in the mountains, honey. I look perfect.
4:15 p.m.
A: Well, were you going to at least comb your hair and brush your teeth?
Z: <Runs his disgusting, greasy hands through his beanie-destroyed hair, making it stand up in 27 different directions> What are you talking about, baby? I live in the mountains. Nobody cares. Besides, I was just gonna wear my beanie anyways.
A: Seriously?
Z: …
A: Babe?
Z: …
A: I know you can hear me, mister…
Z: Weren’t you going to wear your favorite purple beanie?
A: Touché, smart-ass. But seriously dude…hair.
4:30 p.m.
A: <Still running around getting everything ready> Did you at least clean all the grease off your hands after working on the Samurai and quads earlier?
Z: <Looks nonchalantly at his grease caked fingernails and still bloody knuckles from his earlier wrench-time as he pulls on his snow gloves> Yeah, lover… Are your about ready yet? Besides, we live in the mountains. Nobody cares.
A: We live in the mountains Zachary Taylor, not in the sewers. Hands. Washed. Now.
Z: Yeah, yeah, yeah… <as he wanders out to the old carriage house where he goes back to tinkering on the greasy, snow and mud covered quads>
Act 2
It is now 4:55 p.m. The kids were supposed to leave by 4 p.m.
Scene: Amber wanders out to the garage. Her hair is done. Her make-up is done. Her nails are done. But instead of a nice, date-night outfit she is back in her favorite comfy yellow sweats – the fuzzy ones covered with giant green, Oscar the Grouch images – her comfy, fur-lined snow galoshes, a plaid flannel shirt and her thickest, heaviest, ugliest, snow jacket.
I would say Zack was even more greasy and dirty then he was when he first wandered back outside, but I’m not sure if that’s possible.
Z: <Takes one look at Amber’s…interesting…choice of date-night attire> What are you doing? I thought you were getting ready to go out?
A: I was. I am. I’m ready. Let’s go.
Z: <Looks at his lovely, but very comfortable looking wife again, searching for any trace of humor and finding none> But… you’re wearing… that?
A: <Acting very incredulous> Well yeah… Why not?
Z: <Still clearly confused> So… you’re ready to go out?
A: <Climbing into truck, which has now been “warming up” for about 45 minutes> Yup, Let’s go… It’s getting late.
Z: <Also climbing into the truck verrrry slowly> So… you’re..seriously wearing… THAT?
A: <Now feigning exasperation> Yes, Lover. Let’s get a move on! Our friends are already waiting for us! Besides, we live in the mountains. Nobody cares how I look.
Z: <Now clearly confused… not just at how he managed to wander into this trap, but how to get back out of it, as well> But, but…
A: I’ll tell you what, Mountain Man. You change clothes and I’ll change clothes.
Z: But… but…
Act 3
It is now 5:50 p.m. and the kids are nearly two hours late.
Mason is having an absolute conniption because he thought his parents had already come home from their date and he wants none of their plans on leaving again. The frigid air has already wreaked havoc on Amber’s once perfectly coiffed hair, but at least Zack is now squeaky clean… well, a Mountain Man’s version of squeaky clean. The two race out to the truck and off into the crisp, evening mountain air as the snow starts to fall once again.
And so it went.
Amber-1 Zack-0
Just another typical date night in the mountains!
If you click the link to see the photos from this wonderful evening, make sure to read the photo captions!
Contact the writer: [email protected]
Trevor Montgomery, 48, moved in 2017 to the Intermountain area of Shasta County from Riverside County and runs Riverside County News Source and Shasta County News Source. Additionally, he writes or has written for several other news organizations; including Riverside County based newspapers, Valley News, (the now defunct) Valley Chronicle, Anza Valley Outlook, and Hemet & San Jacinto Chronicle; as well as Bonsall/Fallbrook Village News in San Diego County and Mountain Echo in Shasta County.
Trevor spent 10 years in the U.S. Army as an Orthopedic Specialist before joining the Riverside County Sheriff’s Department in 1998. He was medically retired after losing his leg, breaking his back, and suffering both spinal cord and brain injuries in an off-duty accident. (Click here to see segment of Discovery Channel documentary of Trevor’s accident.)
During his time with the sheriff’s department, Trevor worked at several different stations; including Robert Presley Detention Center, Southwest Station in Temecula, Hemet/Valle Vista Station, Ben Clark Public Safety Training Center, and Lake Elsinore Station; along with other locations.
Trevor’s assignments included Corrections, Patrol, DUI Enforcement, Boat and Personal Water-Craft based Lake Patrol, Off-Road Vehicle Enforcement, Problem Oriented Policing Team, and Personnel/Background Investigations. He finished his career while working as a Sex Crimes and Child Abuse Investigator and was a court-designated expert in child abuse and child sex-related crimes.
Trevor has been married for more than 29 years and was a foster parent to more than 60 children over 13 years. He is now an adoptive parent and his “fluid family” includes 13 children and 16 grandchildren.